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Press Article April 2015 LEGAL FORTIFICATION OF MOTHERS AND THEIR CHILDREN

by: Clark (VRI)

Please visit (previous website): writecolumn.com

THE WRITE COLUMN - a series of press issues based on becoming pregnant and a mother through attack.

In 1992, London Ontario, my former best friend and I, both qualified councilors for the Toronto Rape Crisis Center (TRCC), were drugged and abducted by a Western University student with the initials C.W. that I knew from years before. He as well had an accomplice that at the very least drove the car that he posed as a taxi. While drugged, he attacked me and made me pregnant. I delve into the philosophical and emotional side of the event elsewhere within my press column entitled ‘The Right Column’, this writing is concerned with some essential pragmatics that I learned through my life’s experience.

There was no advice for me at that time with relation to the way to proceed with the situation. By that I mean in every literal sense there was not one word to be found on the topic anywhere (there was no internet then) except for the films that I knew of being: ‘The Color Purple’ and arguably ‘Agnes of God’. This is, therefore, a very unique press reporting column, and for that I highly encourage you to relay it to any people that became pregnant when attacked. As well rape crisis, social service, emotional, or family councilors, politicians, religious advisors, and pro-life or pro-choice individuals for examples. It is written for people to think differently of the way that they attempt to fortify women with these issues – as many get caught within a situation of protective silence for their small ones.

I am what you would likely call ‘pro-choice’, yet within that I ‘selected life’ for my daughter: and I love her with everything in my soul. She is now over eighteen years of age (an adult in Canada) and I am free to safely come forth with this information without threat to her. Focusing on preventing these situations, and empowering women to re-connect with the rights of their bodies and the health of their children: I as well feel protective of remarkable women as Rebecca Kiessling that do not fear to state their worth, and rightly so.

RESEARCH THE JUSTICE SYSTEM AND YOUR ATTACKER BEFORE YOU PROCEED

Of course the attacker could be your husband, lover, friend, co-worker, aquaintance, relative, or an unidentified stranger. This article cannot cover every possible approach to these situations and their individual dynamics, so I present the broader options for you.

While I was pregnant, my priority was to protect my daughter from ever being harmed, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally by this attacker. Like me, he was from an Academy for the Gifted that only accepted people with a genius IQ of 140 or above, and I was very aware that he was very intelligent, strategic, and manipulative: the mind games he could play on a five year old girl alone were a nightmare. He was almost certainly a repeat offender and likely a serial rapist, as he had a system of drugs and abduction in place with at least one accomplice. There was no way that I was the only person that he ever attacked. In fact, he always had a reputation for being ‘a bad guy’ in our Academy: into partying, drugs, missing class, and being with a disturbingly high number of women that in retrospect almost certainly were unwilling at times. What would he do with a baby girl that he could control?

In my experience with the TRCC, I knew very well that serial rapists get away with their abuse for so long mostly because: they are charming, smart, connected, and build a system around them for years to corroborate their false innocence. Paul Bernardo and Russell Williams are typical examples for the Ontario region that used this strategy. My attacker had shrewdly taken some ‘women’s studies’ courses in Western University for example, and kept some close female friends, building his argument through the years for when the first woman would come forth to put him on trial. For us councilors this was a bad sign that we were dealing with a very dangerous and prolific attacker, and I knew what I was likely dealing with. A monster.

Formerly working with the TRCC, you may imagine that I wanted to protect other women by reporting it immediately. If I were not pregnant from the attack, nothing would have ceased me until he were in jail. Nothing. Yet anything less than 100% protection of my daughter was unacceptable, as I knew that she was absolutely a target. Being aware that the system fails women so often with the evidence as there was, there was no room for error or ‘sorry’ after she would be harmed by their possible inept decisions. I thereby had to proceed with the knowledge that I had of both my attacker, and the judicial system to ensure that justice was realized. Sometimes this requires patience and planning. If you find a loved one or yourself in this situation I would like for you to not hesitate to connect with me immediately, and anonymously, if you prefer and I will aid you within my capacity.

REPORTING THE CRIME IMMEDIATELY – GATHERING EVIDENCE and statute of limitations

The charges will be pressed in the area of the crime NOT where you live, if they are different as was my case. You have to see into your own individual area (of the crime) for whether there is a statute of limitations or ‘deadline’ to reporting it. In my case, I was quite aware that there was not. I could report it that day or five years later, and the procedure and evidence would be there same. I just had to recall and keep the memories and details alive within me. Make sure to keep records of everything, and tell any of your witnesses that corroborate your story to as well. Sometimes when abuse is so fresh we just want to forget it for a bit so that we may move on and deal with the other pressing issues of birthing classes and daycare. Just select a day and push through it, put every detail into a secure statement in writing; you will be quite glad that you did and will feel better and more empowered for it.

If you had reported it immediately, the Police would bring you to the Hospital for a ‘Rape Kit’ depending on your area. Many women avoid this as it is so close to the violation they are understandably uncomfortable with a stranger probing them the next day – whether a doctor or not. Yet it is a good idea in general. The Rape Kit only proves that some form of entry occurred with possible DNA evidence (if legitimate), it does not prove rape likely unless bruises, cuts, broken bones or the like may be recorded as well. If the act was violent then you have a far stronger case, and I would recommend that you think to press charges immediately. In particular if you do not know your attacker, as you and your child are safer knowing their identity that may be revealed through an investigation. With use of the date rape drug attackers avoid this other essential evidence.

To be clear, I am not planning to be insensitive, yet for practical advice I must state: If the baby exists, their existence is the equivalent of a ‘Rape Kit’ evidence in court - that is in your favor. Your attacker cannot deny, as most attempt, to say that ‘nothing happened’. Without physical evident there is reasonable doubt, and they are released on that alone. Your baby is irrefutable physical evidence; thereby your attacker then must take a different strategy to deal with charges. Unfortunately their best strategy is to threaten your infant.

REPORTING THE CRIME - AFTER THE BABY IS AN ADULT

It is a terrible situation wherein if you plan to report it, you have to fortify and protect your baby in advance. Yet it is essential for it to be clear that the attacker is not a parent and has absolutely no rights as one. Ever. But that does not mean that the attacker will not try to USE deception and confusion to strategize a threat to his advantage. This is where it becomes very messy.

If there is no statute of limitations and you feel that the evidence is too weak, you may think to report the crime after the baby reaches legal adult status or just prior. Not ever contacting or having any relation to the abuser is an excellent idea. I would highly recommend for your own safety to keep tabs on their dealings and location if possible from time to time without their knowledge. The one benefit to years passing prior to reporting the crime is that the criminal's lawyer will advise them that if they attempt to play the 'parental' card, that you could use it likewise to sue for years of unpaid years of back payments in child support. Yet, it must be made clear here to sue for it as 'Restitution' with the amount based on the parent and thereby parental support the child has been deprived of because of the attack. Do not ever sue for child support alone.

REPORTING THE CRIME – MY PERSONAL STORY

Half way through my term at twenty years of age, I booked an appointment to meet with a legal aid lawyer that offers a free thirty minute consultation. He was of the only people that I confided in at that time, that I had been attacked. Clearly I knew the situation and judicial system very well, and the two of us talked as equals to strategize an intelligent way to protect my daughter, and so that I could report the crime.

The lawyer went past the scheduled time, and at one point he pushed everything aside on his desk and said roughly, ‘ What I am about to say is between you and I. If you tell anyone, I will have to deny it, but this is the way to proceed.’ He then stated what I already figured myself, it was just excellent to have a lawyer say it as well, fortifying my resolve. ‘If you go to the police now, you are not going to win this case. The only witnesses are you, him - and he will lie, the driver that works with him - will lie, your friend - that was drugged is likely useless, and people as your family that saw you (in passing) the next day.’ 

The lawyer continued, ‘If you go to the police his lawyer will advise him to call you a liar, or confused, and will try for his own custody as a threat to force you to drop the charges. He will suddenly try to pretend to be a concerned ‘mister good dad’, and attempt to terrify and threaten you into getting partial or even sole custody of your kid.’ He looked at me a bit guilty yet truthful, ‘If I were his lawyer, this is what I would tell him to do.’ I knew it was the truth.

‘You have no money to fight the situation with lawyer’s fees… you are about to have a baby. If your priority is the safety of your child this is the way to protect her AND report it. You have to, in a very public way, make it clear that you told him of your daughter existing after she is born. You require proof that you did this because he will lie and say that either you did not tell him, or you said for him to keep away.’ ‘Are you wanting child support from him?’ he asked. I stated ‘No. That is offensive. He is not a parent.’ ‘Good.’ stated the lawyer.

I had already told him that I was pregnant after the attack with a brief call, and he had wanted for me to have an abortion. This was not enough. ‘Take pictures of him, and the baby. He will have nothing to do with the kid after, we both know that. He will go out of the city to his University, and will not offer you a nickel for it. Have the proof, and then after five or seven years of him doing absolutely nothing and not being there in any way, then press charges and get his name on the ‘potential dangerous offenders list’. The evidence will still be the same, there will be no limit on pressing charges, and then if he tries to turn around and pretend to be ‘mister good dad’ after seven years of neglect to threaten you, the judge will throw it out.’ He was correct.

I took this route as I was quite knowledgeable of the legal system and the mind of my attacker. Having been with the TRCC, I just could not wait for eighteen years before reporting it. I had to take this route to both protect my daughter, and to report it as soon as I was able. It is not a route that I necessarily recommend as it could be fraught with trouble. I just had a sense of the way that it would proceed. 

SUE FOR RESTITUTION NOT CHILD SUPPORT

Do not EVER recognize your attacker as a legitimate biological parent. Ever. There were many times through my life when I was so without monetary fortification that I literally had to count nickels to eat, and I fed my daughter before myself on several occasions. I did not ever, in that entire time, think to sue him for money for what he had done to us - surely not in child support. He was no father. Is no father, and that is a fact. In fact, it became a very personal issue for me to not ever recognize him as a biological parent, as I was raped. There is something on a moral level, that is insidious and very wrong with that.

I take nothing from any woman that may take on financial issues to protect the future of her child, yet make sure to make the distinction very clear and only seek RESITUTION DAMAGES for the assault – do not call it child support. Do not confuse the two or allow the courts to confuse it with parental obligations. You are their only parent, and surely the only parent your child will ever have, and are the only one with any rights. Period. As well, individuals that coordinate child support communicate, sometimes uncomfortably, through the years to make arrangements. You do not want to have any communication from your attacker, nor a monthly reminder of his affect on your lives. Restitution is there to recognize that a crime has been committed that he must pay back to you for, and he is treated, rightly so, as a criminal. He is not to trouble you nor communicate with you or your child. 

If you are a person that is being there for a woman in this situation, this is where you can be a large aid. Making these distinctions clear to friends and family on behalf of the woman and her child is invaluable in levitating her troubles, and creating a clear and welcoming environment for her new young family – if and when she selects to be public with the situation.

REPORTING THE CRIME – PURSUING A TRIAL VS. FILE - POTENTIAL OFFENDERS LIST

The concept of ‘the date rape drug’ (rohypnol) that my attacker placed in our drinks was very new for that time and was just coming out in the press. I knew from my experience that given the evidence was almost entirely based on two points being: my daughter (as evidence) and the testimony of witnesses, that there was a very slim chance for conviction. Yet, what I truly wanted was to be placed into the system so that when another woman came forth I could fortify her case. In my mind this was the most strategic means to proceed. See into whether your system has a ‘list’ of potential offenders or reference system where cases may be correlated. My goal was to report the crime, not bring it to trial, so that I could get my name onto that list.

Confirm with your local Rape Crisis Center the procedures that the Police take at that point in the area of the crime. Some of these offices are very intelligent and will see into this information for you. If you get an answer that you do not like, confirm it yourself. What I was aware of is that an initial investigation would commence where they would not interview the attackers until I gave word that I wanted to proceed with a trial. They would thereby interview the witnesses on my side being: myself, what was my estranged friend, and perhaps my family that saw my state (briefly) a day later. That was everything that was required in order to have the file created. If that is the case, you may not risk a good deal by starting an investigation, just confirm the procedures first and relay your intent to the Police to confirm in advance.

SMALL LEGAL DECISIONS THAT MAKE A LARGE DIFFERENCE

One of the better pieces of advice I had ever received was this: do not put anyone on the birth certificate except you. Ever. Even if you are married and feel like it ‘legitimizes’ the baby in some way to place a different parent’s name on it as a husband – do not. Divorce and a myriad of other reasons could cause serious regret for you later with not being truthful. There is no father, you are the only parent. That is a fact.

It could easily cause issues with passports, public services, crossing the border with your child – even if only on vacation, etc.. 

PROTECTING YOUR CHILD AFTER THE BIRTH - STRATEGIZE

My attacker tried to threaten me for years after my daughter's birth in ways where he could not be arrested. For example, when he moved back to the city and my daughter was roughly five years old, he took up work as a waiter one block away from where I lived, that as well had a tiny fenced space that could look onto her school. He could have worked anywhere in Toronto, yet drove across the city to this mediocre restaurant – the nearest place to me on the entire planet. 

You may imagine the way I felt when my daughter played out front on my lawn with the kids, when I walked her to school, or went to the supermarket. He was not around, at least from what I could see... so why was he there? I told the Police that he seemed to be stalking me and my daughter. They stated that because he had a place of work in that area, his alibi for being so constantly near my place, that they could not approach him with stalking. I had to formally tell him to not be on my property specifically, and only after he broke that once, could I have him arrested.

I had put an enormous amount of work in getting my and my daughter's lives together and the place that we lived in was owned by old family friends that were a European Count and Countess that lived next door. They had two girls my daughter's age, and the three of them were like sisters. The area was very safe with a school for my daughter that was ideal. I shared my place with two University friends, and with the excellent price I made it through University. 

I had a small office and started a multi-media company that received two offers for $100,000 loans from competing banks – in spite of my owning literally nothing. It seemed this monster wanted to force my daughter and I to run: ruining our lives once more. He continued this theme through computer stalking, harassment through other people, and it seems by his selection of vocation later. The more our lives were in poverty and threat, the more secure he felt, so he placed a good deal of effort into mental games.

I mention this because sadistic people that get excited by being sadistic, do not think as you or I. The more you feel violated, the more fun it in fact may be for them. You may think that the situation occurred once, and will at least end there where you are able to heal – yet perhaps not. You and your child may be this person's largest threat, and they will perhaps dwell on ways to deal with that threat. They place years of planning, reading, lying, into ways to get around the law. This is why I am being perfectly clear that if this occurs with you and your family, that you could be dealing with a person that has strategized and worked on this situation for years prior to you having to deal with it. 

Do not recoil from being strategic in protecting your little one, or be too passive within the legal system, it is in fact your obligation as a parent to find solutions. Trusting in the judicial system solely is likely not a very good plan as your situation has little precedent or protection within it. You have to think for yourself; likely if you took on this path you are already a very determined and strong willed woman and mother and I encourage you further. Until we have several very successful and well defined cases, it is an issue to consider. This column aims to be a part of solidifying any upcoming court cases to set that ground. The more writing and communication that emerges as this column, the more fortified women will be to make the system work and keep it accountable.

DO NOT ALLOW ANY PERSON TO FORCE YOU TO RECOGNIZE A FALSE PARENT

There were several occasions where during the break in between terms in University, when I had to apply for welfare. It made me sick, yet I had to. The ‘case worker’ insisted on having the father’s name, because they could go after him for child support. The concept for me was, from a philosophical, legal, and moral level completely insane that they would conceive to do so. I refused. I made it clear that I had been attacked and there was no father. Even with that, they attempted several times to refuse to give me any support if I did not provide that information. 

This was my basic food to eat that they threatened to keep form me and my daughter. I requested their supervisor, and knew unquestionably that I was in the right. Sometimes offices have unqualified or unknowing employs that make bad decisions when filing in these rigid forms. It is worth the additional effort to take on these individuals if they ever make this mistake. Feel free to present this column to them if you find yourself in this situation, and to bring it to my, your personal support group, or your local Rape Crisis Center’s attention as well. They are in the wrong if they attempt to pressure you in any way on the matter, and this policy must be adjusted immediately within their office.

FORTIFY YOUR DOCUMENTATION AND WITNESSES THROUGH THE YEARS AS A SOLE PARENT

One other piece of advice is to get a letter to fortify you and your child is from a professional that has known you both for many years. Have them attest in the letter to the fact that you have been the only sole parent that has ever participated in the child’s life, for the entire time that they have known you. A doctor, lawyer, school principal, for a few examples. Collect several of these letters if possible through the years, as they will help you when you run into issues as they arise through the years.

These are merely a few pieces of advice, yet I feel are the most important to make an initial mention. When I think back on my situation, these were my smarter ideas and advice that I wish someone had been able to offer to me. I welcome any woman that finds themselves within any situation that is similar to connect with me directly. As well, any women that may have information of other attacks that the person that hurt me has caused, as surely they exist. I would like to see several cases built against him for other assaults, as justice at some time ought to pull through.